Top Ten Reasons to Become an Orthodox Jew
- You will become an instant topic of conversation and amusement amongst all former friends
- You will no longer have to eat your Aunt Harriet's homemade pork rinds
- Bums, vagrants, total strangers and missionaries will strike up conversations with you on the subway about theology, philosophy and the meaning of life (if in New York add - while their accomplice steals your wallet)
- You will never have to decide between chicken and beef on airline flights (except on El Al where there is no difference between them anyway)
- You will become a close friend and confidant of all the staff at Food City Kosher Department
- You will have the privilege of donating half your income to a Jewish day school (and your firstborn)
- You will understand all of Jackie Mason's jokes
- You will no longer have to agonize over French, Creole, Thai, Sushi, Italian or Indian cuisine. Your choice becomes upholstered cardboard (also known as kosher pizza), pseudo-Chinese, or triple-bypass deli sandwiches on rye (with added cholesterol and a pickle on the side)
- Men - your bald spot will always be covered
Women - you can have your hair done and it doesn't even have to be on your head
- For one entire day every week you cannot be reached by phone, cellular, pager or E-mail
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